No, not the Irish rock group.
Folks, I don't usually get on a soapbox about a lot of things (at least not publicly), but the time has come to address something plaguing this fine country of ours.
What? No, not whiny, entitled teenagers and bottom-tier Republican presidential candidates! Something more seemingly innocent and yet more damaging to society...
CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE.
That's right - an awful mass of what once was bog-borne natural goodness shoved into a machine, pureed, and shat out into superheated cans, losing its beautiful color and texture only to be scooped out with a butter knife and barbarically sliced into medallions, a concept and practice as abhorrent as it is unappetizing. Truly, a side dish reserved for life's failures that spits in the face of God, Allah, and Jesus.
...Especially since the real thing is within your reach.
I know what all of you are saying: "But, Matt! Cranberry sauce is a magical ambrosia that I couldn't possibly figure out how to make!" Guess what, Captain Retard of the Head-Up-Your-Ass Brigade - it's super goddamn easy, and I'm gonna teach you how!