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November 26, 2015 by Matt Tropiano
Tags: Cooking

No, not the Irish rock group.

Folks, I don't usually get on a soapbox about a lot of things (at least not publicly), but the time has come to address something plaguing this fine country of ours.

What? No, not whiny, entitled teenagers and bottom-tier Republican presidential candidates! Something more seemingly innocent and yet more damaging to society...

CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE.

That's right - an awful mass of what once was bog-borne natural goodness shoved into a machine, pureed, and shat out into superheated cans, losing its beautiful color and texture only to be scooped out with a butter knife and barbarically sliced into medallions, a concept and practice as abhorrent as it is unappetizing. Truly, a side dish reserved for life's failures that spits in the face of God, Allah, and Jesus.

...Especially since the real thing is within your reach.

I know what all of you are saying: "But, Matt! Cranberry sauce is a magical ambrosia that I couldn't possibly figure out how to make!" Guess what, Captain Retard of the Head-Up-Your-Ass Brigade - it's super goddamn easy, and I'm gonna teach you how!

The Recipe

In order to make this incredible dish that is somehow considered an insurmountable task to most of America's derelicts, you need these hard-to-find artifacts hidden within our vast countryside of mystical wonders:

  • 12oz. (340 g) bag of cranberries.
  • 1 cup (~237 ml) of Water.
  • 1 cup (200 g) of Granulated Sugar.

I hope you're feeling disappointed in yourself right now, because that's how you should be feeling, knowing that this fantastical nectar that ends up on your crowded Thanksgiving plate is only three whole ingredients. You're gonna feel dumber knowing that it's even easier to make, too.

Get this Equipment

  • A stove
  • A spoon
  • A large pot with a lid that fits
  • A colander that fits the whole bag of cranberries

Do These Things

  1. Pour the cranberries into the colander and rinse them in warm water.
  2. Put the pot on your stove and pour the cup of water into it. Heat it to right before it boils.
  3. Pour the sugar in, and stir it until it dissolves completely into the water. That shit should vanish like your dignity many years ago.

At this point, you've made a light syrup using steps 2 and 3. Congrats. Revel in your minor accomplishment, like I know you do when you find a way to get up in the morning.

  1. Pour the cranberries into the pot and stir. Put the lid on your pot and reduce the flame, because those cranberries are gonna start foaming up a bright, pink foam and start popping and sputtering and getting red juices everywhere.
  2. Keep checking on them every couple of minutes and stir them around. Eventually, after about 15-20 minutes, it will turn into a deep red mass of cranberry. It's also super, super hot, so if you try to sneak a taste, try not to burn your goofy, toothless mouth on it.
  3. You're fucking DONE! Wait for it to cool or put it in the fridge to speed up the cooling process.

Be Awesome

That's right! Thirty whole minutes! HOLY SHIT! WHO HAS THE TIME?! You do, dipshit. Right in between sessions of throwing your life away in DOTA2. Give yourself a hand, Droppo. You were always the laziest man on Mars, but not today.

I know what you're thinking right now: "This is great and all, but I really like how the canned stuff gelatinizes into that unholy can shape! This is still a weird sauce!"

I have news for you, bucko. As soon as it cools, that stuff'll solidify into whatever container you put it in naturally! Whoa! MAGIC! You can have your dumbass cake and eat it too! So the next time Aunt Gertie busts out the can opener and starts to cut the lid off the modern day equivalent of what should be the Ark of the Covenant, suplex her in half and shove your masterpiece in her wrinkly face.

Be Adventurous

So now you're getting cocky with the simplest recipe in the universe, how can you impress your friends and family so that they think you have more ambition than a common earthworm?

Try some of this shit:

  • Add some orange or lemon zest (rind shavings) to the sauce to give it that extra kick. Not too much though - just a pinch. you will not believe how much flavor is in just the rind.
  • Substitute the water with cider and use a 1/2 cup of packed brown sugar instead of granulated sugar. Add a pinch of cinnamon. Apple Cinnamon Cranberries!
  • Get out that bottle of Jack Daniels that I know you have and substitute a 1/2 cup of water and a 1/2 cup of sugar for a full cup of J.D. Try not to burn your house down, since that stuff is flammable. Best side effect: your kitchen smells like Tennesee Whiskey for DAYS, and you just made the manliest cranberry sauce ever!

That's it! Get the hell out there and be somebody! Spread this gospel far and wide, new scribe of the Cranberry Sauce Republic! Happy Thanksgiving!

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